In a D/s relationship, there are ebbs and flows, highs and lows, changes in dynamics. There isn’t a rule book for this lifestyle, it flows with a natural progression, like any relationship. I am discovering this as I travel this journey. My own experience with my Dom has been very indicative of this. Each D/s relationship is as unique as the individuals involved, each will progress along its own path, each made different by the various life situations of the players. Ours has certainly seen changes due to these variables. Yesterday, we entered yet another new dynamic.
The last time we were together was a dynamic change as well; He was claiming me as His submissive mistress. This time was to solidify His ownership of me, a much more significant step.
My goal has been to satisfy His dominant needs with me as well as His sexual needs. Don’t ask me why, I couldn’t tell you. I guess I’m just a giver by nature. I have seen glimpses of His strong dominance, seemingly repressed perhaps by changes in life. It had the essence of a caged animal desiring release. I knew that by releasing this thing caged in Him I would experience things that thus far I have preferred to avoid. Yet, as I dig deeper into this D/s realm I know I want to fully experience the lifestyle. I also want to give Him that what He is yearning, to be the Dominant that He truly is.
Thus far He has been gentle, considerate and intimate while taking what He wants, but I knew there was something lacking. I have had the opportunity to watch live scenes and I have seen the genuine concern and sensual connection between the Dom/mes delivering the pain and their submissive. They did not do this with sadist cruelty; some sadism yes, but in no way cruel. He has said that He didn’t practice that aspect of D/s, delivering pain for pains sake, only for correction and direction. Yet He also speaks of ‘losing control’, of wanting to use someone roughly, to deliver pain; I want to enable Him to satisfy those urges.
It feels so wrong but it feels so right; that inner battle is continuously raging within me. I have had the abusive childhood and relationships and overcome them rebuilding my self esteem, and I pride myself on being aware and striving to avoid all of that. Yet here I am, losing that inner battle again by embracing what my logical voice screams is so wrong.
I think what prompted this path of thought was a discussion regarding swapping subs with another Dom who had shown interest in me. Maestro had said that He would enjoy being able to use another submissive because He would be able to get rough with her; He was very much looking forward to this happening. When it became obvious that the arrangement wasn’t going to happen I was left with the notion of being able to serve and pleasure Maestro in this same way. Having had the opportunity to observe the recent scenes had been beneficial in that I could see the activity first hand and the interaction between the players.
It started with what He said was a dream. He described the details which included me bringing my toys and Him using me for His pleasure, roughly, aggressively, taking me in every position and every hole. No concern for my comfort or discomfort, doing anything, taking anything, me simply giving eagerly. Very different from any other time we had been together. I told Him I could make that dream come true for Him.
So the thought festered in His mind. A few days later He was telling me that He was going to take me roughly at our next meeting. As the week progressed He was driven more and more by the thought of using me, my eager and willing submission to satisfy His needs, focusing only on His enjoyment. The day before our meeting He reiterated His intentions, and brought up the subject of limits. We had discussed this before but He was giving me the opportunity to add to or strengthen them. We also discussed safe words, which we never had before – there was no reason to. He could see that I was looking forward to a more aggressive and demanding approach. His aggressive urges were bubbling to the surface of where ever it was He kept them. He thought that this experience for me would “truly cement your submission and firmly place you in your role as a submissive mistress who sees to her Maestro’s needs.”
And so I had set myself up for my first rough D/s session. I was anticipating this with excitement. I had experienced only a bit of this with Him before, and I was eager to see the full effect. And perhaps I also had what may have been an ulterior motive, in an analytical sense. Winter time is difficult for me due to the weather changes, which causes my ruined joints to remind me of their condition with pain. So I wanted the experience what was going to cause my body to create endorphins, the natural form of morphine. I wanted to see how well it worked compared to pain meds I used to take. I wanted to be free of the pain if even only briefly, without having to take meds.
Wednesday finally came. We were both eager to experience my complete submission. He had given me specific instructions: to bring all of my toys, to dress slutty with no panties and to wear the collar I had worn before for Him. I juggled my schedule to accommodate time to get ready and travel. And I was on my way.
I arrived at the hotel, He sent me the room number. I gathered my bags and went to the room. I had worn a jacket to cover the revealing dress I wore; I didn’t want people following me thinking I was a whore. He opened the door to my knock. Smiling and entering the room I went to the table to set down my bags. I gave Him the honor of unzipping my jacket to reveal His prize. He was very pleased, and immediately His hand went to my pussy as He pulled my breasts out of the dress to suck on my nipples, my jacket dropping to the ground. He was different today, more aggressive, not displaying the gentle intimacy as He previously had. Once He satisfied His immediate needs He told me to unpack the toy bag, so I set about removing restraints, dildos, vibrator, strapon harness, everything I thought He might want. Maybe it was intentional that I left the crop and bat in the bag.
He lay spread eagle on the bed and commanded me. This was my first and biggest mistake. There is nothing wrong with my hearing, yet when He speaks to me, even if He is next to my ear, I often don’t hear Him correctly; He is very soft spoken. In this instance, when He commanded me He said “Suck my cock”; what I heard was “Sit on my cock”. So I climbed on, and that pissed Him off. He snarled “ I said suck my cock. Didn’t you hear me?” and of course I responded with a sarcastic “Apparently not.” Wrong answer. He bolted off the bed, telling me to lay on my stomach. He spanked me, hard. Then He went to the toy bag. I couldn’t see what He was getting but soon found out. Whack on my ass with the leather bat. And it wasn’t done nicely like when I used it on England, either. He meant business, hitting my ass with the bat several times. I lay there and took my punishment, not even whimpering, not even close to shedding a tear. I knew that this was going to do well to generate a flood of endorphins, I just waited for the effect.
From here on my memories of the session are fragmented, as happens when I go into sub space. I recount what I can remember, not necessarily in the sequence that it occurred.
He rolled me over and began spanking my pussy. He is fucking my pussy with the dildo I call my boyfriend and using the Hitachi on my clit. He commands me to tell Him when I’m close to climax, which won’t be long with this combination of toys. I tell Him I’m going to cum and He takes the Hitachi away, denying me the climax. Then He’s back with the dildo and the Hitachi, demanding that I tell Him when I’m going to cum. Cumming isn’t going to happen now, for I have mentally gone to my safe place, removing myself from the scene. I am an automaton now, there for His pleasure, to do anything that He pleases, yet protecting my sanity and self esteem. I have given my body to Him completely. I am His absolute submissive, groveling, obeying, fearing, complying, serving. Writing this now brings the tears that didn’t happen then.
I don’t remember everything that He did during His frenzy. I know that I feared Him as I once feared my father when something would happen to anger him wondering if I would be the release for his anger, as so often happened. Trying not to anger Him I did what I thought He wanted. At one point He held me and told me that this is for real now, no more pretending, no turning back. He asked me if this was what I wanted. I answered that if He wanted me, yes. He kissed me hard, deeply. When He was finished using me He told me to come up to Him; not realizing He was done I was afraid to. He had to coax me.
He was satiated, and ready for the next act. Telling me we weren’t even close to finished He put me under hypnosis, giving me instructions. Next He’s on His phone summoning the entertainment for the session. I wondered who and how many. There were to be five, but one left in a hurry, perhaps not finding what he had expected. I was focused almost entirely on Maestro and his attention. While He deeply kissed me I felt many hands and tongues in and on various parts of my body. There was much sucking, fucking and cumming going on by all those present.
These are human sex toys, there for our pleasure. We get to focus purely on each other while these toys satisfy us. I rarely give any attention to these guys, other than when Maestro commands; they will fuck me and I focus only on my Maestro. But there was a new one this time that I couldn’t ignore. First of all he was good at staying hard but delaying climax. With my best oral attention on his cock, that others can only take for a couple of minutes, this guy was not cumming. When Maestro finally told him to fuck me, he got my attention away from Maestro. Pounding me into the mattress, going and going, still hard. Maestro, enjoying watching this but missing my attention, had to eventually tell him to go for it, to pound me hard and cum, which he did. Soon I have finished all of the newcomers by sucking or fucking them to climax. They leave and it is just Maestro and me.
He puts me back under hypnosis and gives me new instructions. Now is our intimate time together, He’s completely gentle with me. We kiss and tangle ourselves into each other. I’m sucking His cock, He’s fucking me from behind and on top. He cums in me four times and still wants more. I suck Him off for His final climax. Finally satisfied, we lay together. He releases me from hypnosis and we lay in each other’s arms. We talked over the scene, He could still see the welts on my ass. I told Him I bruise easily, He replied that I mark easily too. He had marked me in a few places. He really liked the idea that He had beat my ass with my own toys. Asshole. Getting in the shower He cleaned up, ready to leave. Kissing me good bye He left.
I stayed in the room for a while to wind down, lessen the effects of sub drop. I went to dinner nearby. While I was eating I was trying to flesh out how I felt about what had just happened. Many thoughts were flashing through my head, but the one that stuck and felt right was that I felt I had been humbled. Along with this thought was another; yes, I had been humbled, but I am strong enough not to let it undermine my self esteem. I will use this experience to learn more about myself. I will continue the journey.
This session was worth five points, bringing my total to 42.