I am so Fucking Damaged

As much as I like to think that I’ve (finally) got my head on straight and shit together, I still do things that serve to remind me just how fucked up and damaged I really am. Like my current situation.

I recently confirmed that my Dom is indeed married. I had suspected this for many obvious reasons. Yet, when I asked Him, He said no and gave a lengthy explanation for His discretion. Who am I to doubt, right? Trusting, naive little me. Fortunately for me my head does override my feelings sometimes, which led me to do a bit more in-depth perusing. Bam, pay dirt. I dumped Him immediately. Lucky for Him I’m not a vindictive person. Even so, I do need some satisfaction. So I mind-fucked Him. He scrambled in an attempt to erase what He thought was any evidence of our connection. And I still found a way to deliver more mind-fucking. It was quite satisfying.

In spite of the satisfaction felt, I still couldn’t wipe Him from my mind. He was in my thoughts constantly. I tried to move forward, keeping myself occupied to keep from thinking about Him. My first thought in the morning was of Him, I’d wake in the middle of the night thinking of Him, and fall asleep thinking of Him. Of course I would rationalize with myself that not only is He married but He lied to me about it. I don’t do the married man thing! I’ve been on the receiving end of that betrayal before.

I threw one more jab at Him, not really expecting a response but perhaps hoping. He did respond, and that was my undoing. It wasn’t an angry response, but one that displayed thoughtfulness for me. My strong stance fell apart and I had to concede to myself that I still wanted Him. I realized that I wasn’t His first affair and I certainly wouldn’t be His last; He would simply search for another. I thought it over quite a bit, and really hated myself for where my mind was going.

I needed what He provided, the dominance, the sub space that it sent me into, the guidance, the encouragement to try new things and most of all, His inner strength. I have had to be so very strong all my life, He is the first man that I have found that is stronger than I am. It is so very freeing to be able to let go with Him and know that He will keep me safe regardless of the scene. So, I rationalized that I wasn’t enabling Him to be the cheater that He is since He would simply find another, and that since I wasn’t wanting a commitment this really seemed like the perfect solution for my ideal relationship. Begrudgingly, I made the decision to be His mistress, His submissive mistress. I did not feel very good about myself for this decision.

I broached the subject with Him, and of course He didn’t hesitate to accept the offer. Easier for Him now, He doesn’t have to concern Himself with me discovering His true identity any longer. And He gets what He’s wanted, a submissive, one to satisfy the dominant urges that He has had to suppress for so long.

So here we are, together again. Watch out world, for we are a wicked pair.

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3 thoughts on “I am so Fucking Damaged

  1. I appreciate your honesty. I have been in a similar situation and I know how hard it is. For me it was sometimes hell, going against everything I believed in. However, love or connection between two deviant souls can be so complicated.

    Liked by 1 person

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