What is this thing? This drug-like addiction? This nirvana that comes from serving my Dom? I can’t identify the feeling, but it is heady and strong, and necessary. I can’t stand to be without it. It wraps itself around my thoughts, muddling all else. Maddening. It is a need like I have never felt before. It frightens me because I don’t know what it is, and I am barely able to control it. It wins sometimes, leaving me unable to express myself. I have searched the web unsuccessfully in an attempt to determine what this bond between Dom and sub is. I find many references to this bond, but nothing that satisfactorily explains what it is. Some describe it as love; it is not love, but similar. I have experienced true unconditional love, this is not that. It isn’t infatuation. It isn’t lust. It is a bit admiration, a bit desire, yet much, much more.
When it wins the control battle, He balks. He becomes defensive, staunchly protecting what, I don’t know. He assumes I want a “greater and closer connection”. Twice He has taken that stance, unsubstantially. What I want is to understand what this thing is, this essence. If I understood it, I would know what to do with it, how to control it.
It waxes and wanes driven by unknown forces. When it wanes I don’t feel His control, but I desperately want it.
He thinks I could go elsewhere to have my needs met; He is mistaken. This journey could not occur on another path. I would not find another Dom with His qualities. I would waste effort attempting to find what only He can give me, because there is far more to it than the Dominance. There won’t be another if this falters. Chalk it up to experience. Move on.
I don’t like our new dynamic. I am trying to adjust. I feel a sense of loss, something integral is missing.
I want Him, I need Him to take me. I need to feel His control. I want to feel His body against mine, be in His arms, deliver and receive tender kisses, gaze into His eyes, please Him, have Him pull my head back by my hair, ravage me.
New thoughts, revelations. I think I have answered my own questions. I will formulate these thoughts more. If it is as I suspect, it is philosophical, psychological, chemical. As such, I will be able to conquer this beast.
Random thoughts on this essence:
Part of it is physiological, similar to chemical addiction. When in subspace the body creates adrenalin and endorphins, among other things. Endorphins are similar to morphine, only natural and clean. But they induce a euphoria, a nirvana, a blissful experience. This is part of the need, to feel that euphoria that only being in subspace with your Dom can bring. Easily mistaken for other emotions. Definitely creates neediness. I can conquer this with ease, now that I understand. It doesn’t make me want it any less though. I can only anticipate.
Part of it is the need to give up control, the well publicized phenomenon of women with strong control in their lives having the need to relinquish in the bedroom. Blah blah blah.
Part of it is psychological, a result of childhood experiences. Yes, a Daddy thing in part. For me, I can identify exactly what that need involves. It is something integral that I lost at a very early age, and have been attempting to satisfy or find ever since. It is why I feel so at peace in His arms. I understand this aspect from my own perspective, and I am positive that many others have similar or same reasons.
Another psychological aspect is that we are all dysfunctional. In some way shape and form we have all ended up here as a result of some sort of life dysfunction. We are not normal, whatever that is. That’s why He is a Dom, that’s why I am a sub. It is proven that when a childhood is fraught with turmoil, drama, violence that a person grows up subconsciously thinking that this is the norm. They gravitate to this type of environment naturally. I’m sure this is happening with me. As hard as I have striven to make my life drama and stress free, my subconscious is screaming for discord and chaos. This will forever be an internal battle for me.
And while I can identify this here and now, it will still consume me at times. Hopefully by documenting it here I can come back and find solace.